My last coat was from Kohl's. It was a little big on me and not the best, but it was nice and warm and functional, which is just what I needed. When I buy clothing, I make sure that the label says something like WASH WITH LIKE COLORS, TUMBLE DRY LOW. Occasionally, when I'm feeling a little fancier, I'll get something with a tag that says WASH WITH LIKE COLORS, DRY FLAT, DO NOT IRON. If I'm looking to blow sixty bucks on clothing, I'll look for the tags that say HAND-WASH ONLY, DRY FLAT. I never, ever, ever buy clothing that says DRY CLEAN ONLY. I tend to wreck my clothing in six months or less, unless the item is specifically tailored for abuse. My Kohl's coat was, thankfully, tailored for abuse.
Anyway, as of Wednesday, my Kohl's coat was working out just fine. By Thursday my poor Kohl's coat was beyond my repair. Here's how it happened.
On Wednesday morning, I was given the distinctive honor of changing one student's particularly messy diaper. I actually don't mind poop and pee at all (hand lotion and perfume are a different story, however), so this was a pretty routine job. The diaper was far from the worst I've seen. To give you the idea of what worst means, imagine your baby's grossest, most puke-worthy diaper. Now imagine that same mess on a third-grader. Third-graders have a lot more poop to give, let me tell you, and you have to change them standing up, which means that the grossness is magnified through the help of gravitational pull. Anyway, this particular child is a second-grader and apparently does not yet have the capacity to poop out an epic diaper, so I was joking around with this kid as I spent five minutes of my life cleaning his rear end.
"What the heck did you eat for dinner last night, dude?"
"UH!" (This student attempts to make conversation, but the only sound he is able to produce is UH.)
"I mean, seriously, why did you pick me for this? Couldn't you wait a couple minutes until Miss More Fashionable Than Grace was ready to take you?"
"UH!"
"I'm gonna get you for this later, dude. I know where you keep your Thomas the Train book."
"UH!"
So I changed the kid. He ran off to rescue his Thomas book. I took a couple of swigs of coffee. All good.
Now remember, this wasn't a particularly revolting diaper, but it did smell pretty bad. The aroma lingered all day long, even after someone (voluntarily!) hauled the thing out to the dumpster. I was quite thankful to go home and shower off at the end of the day.
But later that evening, after I had showered, I noticed something. That diaper. I could still smell it. It had somehow managed to invade my house. Where could it be hiding?
I had torn off my work clothes two minutes after I got in the house. They had been duly purified. Couldn't be the perpetrator.
I went around the house sniffing various items for the next fifteen minutes. Then I found it. The smell had burrowed into my Kohl's coat and my right-hand glove. I hadn't been wearing my coat or my gloves while changing the student, but I had brought the student in from the bus. The diaper must have been vicious enough that it snuck in my outerwear in the three minutes it took to get from the bus to the classroom. Gross.
Luckily, I had purchased my coat for just this type of situation. WASH WITH LIKE COLORS, TUMBLE DRY LOW. I tossed it in the washer and went upstairs to eat a nice big bowl of pureed split pee soup (just kidding on that last one, it was actually refried beans for dinner).
My nice, clean, non-smelly coat was ready later in the evening. Congratulating myself on buying a coat with a tag that said WASH WITH LIKE COLORS, TUMBLE DRY LOW, I triumphantly lifted my coat out of the dryer. Then I gasped.
The zipper had come out in the wash.
I haven't got a clue when it comes to sewing. I do remember my mom telling me that zippers are a real pain to reattach. I guess I could have asked my mom to attach the zipper for me, but the turnaround time for that would be, like, three months, and the forecast foretold cold snap. Besides, the coat was about eighteen months past its due date for a good dose of Grace Destruction.
And so it was that I am now the proud owner of a new winter coat from JCPenney. WASH WITH LIKE COLORS, TUMBLE DRY LOW.
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