Talking the good talk

I'm fascinated by language.

Not words, language. If I were fascinated by words, I'd probably be an English Lit fanatic, and I'm way too pragmatic for that, although I do like my descriptive poetry on occasion. Language.

Here's the difference.

My mom and I both like to play word games, because she probably would have been as big of a nerd as I was if she wasn't otherwise occupied being cool and growing up in an ethnic enclave in the Bronx. We both have the extensive vocabularies that grow out of reading too much and socializing too little. We're both about par with the pedantic language. (In fact, I spend a little too much time rewording my thoughts in my head so that it doesn't totally scream NERD when the actual words come out. People, we have to be cognizant of that kid's rate of noncompliance.... ummm, people, we have to remember that kid likes to toss puzzles across the room at least once a day.)

My mom is very good at Scrabble. She can take seven letters and rearrange those same letters into the most obscure words. Who can take PUECRO and turn it into RECOUPS in less than fifteen seconds? My mom! I can give her a run for her Scrabble points on sheer nerd alone, but I rarely beat her at the game. That's because she thinks in words and letters. She's thinking about the tone and cadence of her winning combo while I'm still wondering how I'm going to deal with all those vowels.

But I'm very good at Scattergories. Give me a letter and a category and I can give you ten trees that all start with the letter H. I can also get combos and rack up points like no other... except my mom, who usually comes close, but doesn't always measure up to my extreme nerd. I'm good at Scattergories because I think in terms of language. Categories, structures, styles. My mom's still thinking about the tone and cadence of her (losing) combo while I'm writing down all the world capitals that start with K before you can say Kathmandu.

This is why I like to write research papers (also, because I have no friends and writing research papers validates my lack of friends). There is a clear structure and style and it's all so very orderly. When I worked at Burger King during college, I used to write my papers in a notebook between taking orders... without actually knowing anything about the subject. I'd write the structure and fill in the actual facts later. I'd write notes to myself of where I needed to, you know, research.

"As of (year), (number of kids) had been diagnosed with ADHD, an (increase/decrease) of (percentage) since (year before). This substantial (increase/decrease) of cases of ADHD has been well-documented by the medical community. In (year), (researcher name) writing in (name of journal) noted that (main point of article), while in (second year), (other researcher) concluded that (main point of other article). Although many studies have looked at (thing one about ADHD) and (thing two about ADHD), little work has been completed on (main topic of paper). In this paper, I argue that (main points of paper)."

Bingo, done.

At any rate, I'll occasionally amuse myself by trying to figure out the structure of languages specific to certain types of people or groups or communities. I think it's the coolest.

In football, they say a lot about nothing.

Announcer Bill: So, Bob, how you feeling about the O-line this year?
Announcer Bob: You know, I got some good feelings. Here you have a lot of young guys, they just wanna play ball. And the players, you know, they just wanna help the young guys practice, play hard, and score those touchdowns. I've seen a lot of practice, and I gotta say, these guys just give it their all every single time, and they make those plays and play some great ball.
Announcer Bill: Thanks, Bob. And now, here's Announcer Tom.

On Pinterest, they gush a lot about nothing.

One Pinner Said: Oh my gosh, this is the BEST way to cleanse pores. I can't believe it's so simple! Pin now, read later! You won't be disappointed!

In Evangelical sermons, they say a lot to say just one thing.

I am a sinner. A dirty, rotten sinner, full of thoughts of greed and lust of evil. I am lost, totally depraved, damned to hell, without the grace of my God. And although I am a sinner, I am loved. I am loved. I am truly loved. To think that God Himself was set on a cross for me, for you, for all of us. We are all sinners, eternally lost. But through that love, that eternal love, we are saved. We are saved. Praise God, we are saved, worthless though we are. We are saved.

In women's magazines, they say a lot about inconclusive scientific evidence.

Did you know that drinking a glass of wine a day could add almost ten years to your life? Scientists at the University of Rochester in Rochester, New York, followed 5000 men and women over the course of five years. They found that those who imbibed red vino an average of five or more days a week had lower levels of cholesterol and higher overall levels of physical activity than those who sipped the good stuff only once or twice a week. Happy hour every day of the week? Might be one more way to stay healthy!

On food packaging, they say a lot about the gourmet qualities of all those foods you thought were perfectly ordinary.

New Natural Aged Cheddar Cheez-Its with Sea Salt and Cracked Pepper!
Cappucino Gelato with Cacao - Brought To You Straight From Italy!
GMO and Bovine Growth Hormone Free Organic Milk with Added Vitamin D!
Hand-Stirred All-Natural Peanut Butter - No Added Oils!

Grace concludes: A lot of language is used to successfully obscure the main point of language.

Next on the agenda - analyzing and cracking the code of womanspeak! I suspect that once again, a lot of language will be used to successfully obscure the main point of language. Only time will tell.