Today I bring to you the story of Grace's Rock Star Inspirational Teaching Moment.
I was subbing at one of the nice elementary schools in the area where all the kids are well behaved and the worst problem I had to deal with was talking too much and goofing off. They were the kind of kids that would do what you told them to do without complaining, for the most part.
That day I was subbing for the music teacher. I've never been too fond of subbing music classes. It's not because I don't know music (I can read music, bang some piano keys, and sing on tune), but because the teachers assume that the subs don't know music, which is probably a good assumption to make. And because the music teachers don't trust possibly non-musical people to teach music, I'd usually end up doing worksheets or movies all day, which is totally boring. You know what's more fun than doing worksheets and fiddling with the VCR? Trying to teach a kid how to play the drums without actually knowing how to play the drums, which is what I did one day when I subbed for a music teacher who assumed that I could teach music.
That particular teacher had left a worksheet about the War of 1812 and Francis Scott Key's Star Spangled Banner. I broke the kids up into groups and they worked on the paper together. I tried to walk that thin line between keeping the talking and goofing off to a minimum while encouraging the maximum amount of dawdling on the work, since there was only one worksheet. The kids were done in 25 minutes. Music class was 45 minutes. Ugh.
I called them back to their seats. We went over the answers and scored points for correct answers. Three groups got a perfect score and I told them that they were awesome. We clapped. I successfully killed 5 more minutes. There were still 15 minutes left. Ugh.
The kids stared at me.
I stared at the kids.
Well, I thought, time to bring on the creativity.
"Ok, kids," I improvised, "I'm going to show you how the battle could have happened. I'll need a volunteer."
This short little guy volunteered to be my victim. He looked like he was all of six, even though this was a third-grade class. His name was Adam, he said.
I picked up a piece of chalk.
"Adam, I'm going to need your help. We need to show the class the ship from the battle. Here's the ship and here's the mast. How many sails do I need?"
"Four!"
"OK," I said, drawing the ship, mast, and four sails. "Now we need cannons. Where should I put the cannons?"
Adam pointed to the right side of the ship. I drew two cannons. They didn't look anything like cannons. I can't draw for beans.
"So now we need the British ship. Here's the British ship. Here's the British cannons."
Adam nodded with this confused look on his face. Yeah, Adam, I'm wondering where this is going, too.
"Ok, class, now we need to draw the battle! The cannons are going to start firing. Huge explosions on both sides! Adam, can you draw the explosions from the cannons?"
Adam got all enthusiastic. His explosions looked a little more like mushroom clouds than cannon detonations, but I let it go.
The explosions made the kids start to get into it. A couple of them started yelling to Adam to make the explosions have more smoke and cover more of the board. Adam was directed to make it look like Call of Duty. Sensing possible HR concerns, I told Adam his explosions were very realistic and took the chalk back.
"OK," I said, hoping that this next part would not upset HR too much, "Now we need to show the effects of the explosions." This was a history lesson. That would be my defense. Also, to minimize possible repercussions, I was going to be in charge of this part. I dismissed my volunteer to his desk.
"A couple people from the American ship got shot by the cannons. Here's one of the sailors. Unfortunately, he got caught in the explosion. The detonation threw him off the ship and into the air." I drew a little stick figure flying off the American ship.
Voices came from everywhere.
Who was that guy? Did the cannon really make him fly off the ship? Was he OK? Was he dead? Wouldn't he be bloody? Would he still have arms and legs, or would they fly off too? Could we draw some arms and legs flying off? What about a hospital? Did they have hospitals back then? What if the guy flew off the ship into the ocean? Would he drown? What if the cannon blew the guy into little bits and all his body parts hit the British ship? What if the British guy who was driving the ship was just turning the wheel and all of a sudden a bloody foot just hit him in the face?
So we spent a couple minutes talking about cannons, ship warfare, medicine in early America, and the War of 1812. The kids were entranced. I even decided to thumb my nose a bit at HR and drew the British captain getting hit in the face by a foot. History.
"Wow!" Adam said. "I didn't know that the Star Spangled Banner was this bloody! This is awesome!"
"I can't believe they sing it at my game sometimes!" inserted another kid. "It's American, but it's really gross, too!"
"I know!" suggested a little girl dressed from head to toe in pink. "We should sing the Star Spangled Banner right now!"
The kids were so into it that I told them to go right ahead. I just asked that they keep their voices down so the other teachers wouldn't be disturbed and/or report me to HR.
The entire class put their hands in the air and started singing the Star Spangled Banner. They started swaying in unison and making like they were at a Selena Gomez concert. And they actually kept it down, at least until they got to the good part. Then they got really loud.
AND THE ROCKET'S RED GLARE
THE BOMBS BURSTING IN AIR
"Shhhhhh! Keep it down a little! Shhhh!" No use. Nobody could hear me over the enthusiasm.
GAVE PROOF THROUGH THE NIGHT
THAT OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE
Then the door opened. In came the learning support teacher.
For a moment, she stood there, frozen. She looked shocked. I could see the HR termination letter wording forming in her eyes. Then she turned and walked out into the hall, closing the door quietly behind her.
OH SAY DOES THAT STAR SPANGLED BANNER YET WAVE
O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE
AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE
I moved quickly.
"Who wants to be my helper to wipe the board?"
The last severed limb had just been erased as the classroom teacher walked in. Twenty-two kids sitting nicely at their desk, one kid helping the sub clean up the board. How wonderful that the kids had behaved so well for the sub!
"Thanks for your help!" said the teacher. "I hope we see you again soon."
"And I hope that I'll be back!" I responded. It sounded ominous, but just to me, I hoped. It was a history lesson, HR.
"PLEASE COME AGAIN SOON!" yelled the class.
HR did not terminate me, thankfully. I subbed at that school several times after that day with no issues. I thought I was off the hook. Not quite.
Years later, I was sitting at a computer for a job training when the person to my left gave a gasp of recognition. I turned around, hoping the gasp of recognition was not directed towards me, because that would mean I would have to talk to someone, and people are scary.
It was the learning support teacher who had walked in on the entire class singing the Star Spangled Banner.
I cringed. People were scary, indeed.
"You're the music teacher!"
"Yes," I admitted, "I'm the music teacher. I remember you. You came into the classroom the day the kids were singing the Star Spangled Banner." Better confess now, before HR got involved.
But she smiled.
"You know, I have never seen anything like that. I'm the learning support teacher and I've had some of those kids for several years in a row. I've never seen them that excited about anything, let alone a song! Are you a music teacher?"
No, just a rebel sub.
"No, not a music teacher, just a sub. I like working with kids."
"Well," she said, "You should be a music teacher. You have a gift."
"Why thank you!" I replied, giving an inward sign of relief. The secret, apparently, was safe.
Also, maybe sometime in the future, I'll become a music/history/anatomy teacher!
