The child beatdown

In today's entry, I'm going to give the lowdown on the child beatdown.

I'm not a parent. I wish I were a parent, because then I would finally understand what everyone is talking about when they tell me "Well, when you become a mom, you'll understand". I don't like being clueless and in the dark about something, because then I feel stupid. I'm also convinced that being a mom will make me a better manager of life in general, because I've heard it to be so. I've also heard that the daily expulsion of the bodily emissions of most young children rivals the daily volume of water spilling over Niagara Falls. Having been one of the three lucky people elected to do diaper damage control with a non-verbal, very low-functioning, very large girl whose mother had laced her milk with laxatives, I think I might be ready for that part.

But I think, hopefully, crossing my fingers so I don't look stupid in five years, that I will be a good mom, because I have been well-schooled in the child beatdown.

I've been privileged (?) to experience the gamut of classrooms in the past five-plus years. All kinds of kids, with all kinds of needs, personalities, and attitudes. And unless the child has really severe issues, they all are able to follow directions, shut up, listen, and otherwise avoid being a huge pain in the rear.

And I've been in a lot of classrooms where the kids are all huge pains in the rear. They don't listen to the teacher, or the aide, or whoever has authority in the classroom. They do what they want, and little more. This can happen for one of several different reasons, but one is incredibly common, and it has a quick solution.

Problem: Children do not stop when they are told to stop.
Solution: Child beatdown.

Problem: Children do what they are told, but not before the fifth time they are told.
Solution: Child beatdown.

Problem: Children do whatever the heck they want.
Solution: Child beatdown.

The child beatdown is an ancient method of child control. Not only is it ancient, it's rapidly becoming a lost art. Many people believe they are using the child beatdown and it doesn't work, when instead they are using the child tenderlovingpatontheheaddown, which doesn't work. It's not rocket science, especially to you parents (I'm assuming, since I'm not a parent), but I'm shocked at how many teachers don't use the child beatdown. Heck, I didn't really know that I was supposed to use the child beatdown until about two years ago.

The child beatdown is the fool-proof method of getting kids to listen to you (disclaimer: "kids" meaning small people twelve and under, because after they turn thirteen, they're not kids anymore, they're just surly people who sleep and eat at your house). The beatdown is based on the premise that kids don't give a hoot about what you say, but they do care about what you do. Here's the method.

Scenario: You are working with a child at a table. You are sitting in a chair. The kid is supposed to be sitting in the chair, but instead he's fooling around and is only half sitting on the chair. You want him to sit correctly.

You: Sit nicely. Bottom on the chair, feet on the floor.

The kid keeps wriggling around.

You: Sit nicely, or you will lose your chair and you will have to stand.

The kid keeps wriggling around.

You: You are not sitting nicely. Now you will stand.

The kid stops wriggling around, because he is now standing.

Congratulations! You have just applied the child beatdown! You have told the child you will do something, and you have done something. Depending on the kid, it might take a few more times, but for many kids, they will never again wriggle around on the chair in your presence. And if they do, no sweat, because then they lose the chair and can't wriggle.

This is the step-by-step method of the child beatdown as illustrated above. It can be applied to many common situations where the kid is being a pain in the rear.

Step One. Tell the kid what you want him to do. Tell him exactly what he should do. Niceties are not necessary, and may actually hurt your case (so please, please don't say "Sit, please"). You also have to use the I Mean Business Voice, as described below.
Step Two. Repeat what you want the kid to do. Tell him that if he does not do what you ask, pain, suffering, and beatings (hence the child beatdown) will follow. Be specific about the beatings, too. Things like "If you do that one more time, you'll be in a lot of trouble!" is not specific enough.
Step Three. Tell the kid that he did not do what you asked, and you will now administer the beatings, or whatever it was that you specifically mentioned in Step Two.
Step Four. Relish the look of dawning realization on the kid's face. The child now understands that you are not to be trifled with. He will think twice before crossing you again. Muahahaha.

I could say a lot more about the child beatdown, but I won't. I will simply encourage you to find out for yourself, by administering many beatings. Detailed to the kid before the actual beatings, of course.

And, of course, there's the I Mean Business Voice, which is a wonderful tool to use in conjunction with the child beatdown. I literally practiced talking in this voice in my kitchen, and it works so well it's scary. I work with kids with very limited cognition and receptive language, and they still respond to the I Mean Business Voice. There are only two parts to the Voice.

Tone. Since I taught kids with emotional problems, who comprise one of the few groups of kids with whom you do not want to use the I Mean Business Voice, I kept my voice very light, even, and friendly when trying to use the Voice for quite a while. See, with the behavior kids, they say "F--- you!" and you ignore it until they're calmer, or say something noncommittal, because if you sound threatening in any way shape or form, they will say "F--- you!" about fifty more times in the next five minutes and also possibly try to run out of the building into traffic. True story. Anyway, I digress. When you use the Voice, you do not talk in your normal everyday tone. You shouldn't sound like you're talking to your sister about the movie you saw last night. When using the Voice, use the tone of your everyday voice as a reference, then go about an octave lower. When you speak, enunciate your words clearly, and with oomph. Try to push the child beatdown out of your soul into your words. Speak like this is serious business.
Words. Just... tell the kid what to do. Again, don't add niceties. If you go down an octave and say in your deepest, strongest, most impressive tone "Sit in the chair... thank you", it really loses something. And don't thank the kid for complying. They didn't just do something nice for you that you need to thank them for. They're doing what you asked them to do, which is what you expect anyway. (But if they're sitting nicely in the chair and you didn't have to tell them to sit nicely, by all means, tell the child he's sitting very nicely). AND... just in case you do feel the need to thank the kid for complying, don't thank them for sitting nicely.... while they're not sitting nicely.

So that's what you gotta do if you teach kids. It's probably good for parenting, too, although I wouldn't know. But it really does work. It was always interesting doing this when I was subbing because I only saw the kids periodically. I remember the one kid I had in a group at the beginning of the year. He refused to do his work and fake cried for the half an hour I had him, thus, I did not give him his smiley face for the period. I worked with him about two dozen more times through the rest of the year and never had any kind of problem again. Child beatdown works.

What's your talent?

Everyone, it seems, has talents. But some people, however, have a talent, and then they have a talent. It's like how everyone is special, but some of us are more special than others.